Fog

Sometimes I feel like I can't see. I don't know where I am. I can't make sure I am who I think I am. I can't even see my hand in front of my face. In this post, there are two reasons (one literal, one metaphorical) which I will discuss.

First:
A friend of mine is visiting Montréal for the weekend. He arrived on Friday, leaves Monday. And when he arrived, he surprised me with a fog machine. He rented it for the weekend to test out a fog affect for Splash Page (that superhero play I wrote), and we've been having fun with the machine. After getting the mandatory test out of the way, we keep filling up the entire guest room with fog. It's intense.

Second:
The Girl in the Capital. Soon to be "Girl from the Capital." My GC, but not mine anymore. We "parted ways." Well, that's one way of putting it. I personally feel we could have figured things out. I feel that we didn't need to fully break up; we could've just been on a temporary break or something until all things are sorted out. I just... I'm surviving. With difficulty, but I am. Barely. I'm putting on smiles for everything and pretending that nothing happened. But really, to me, everything happened. Now I feel as if I have nothing going for me. I don't know what to do. I can't figure out where I am or where I should go, or even can go, from here.

But to be honest, what hurt the most was the way she put it. She doesn't want to tear herself into another piece just for me, what with all the tearing being done for school and work and family and whatnot. And I want to be supportive of it all. I try to be. I mean, I understand that she's got a lot going on in her life. A helluva lot. More than most people. And it's getting to her. I just thought that I was one of the things in her life that helped. Instead, it turns out that our relationship wasn't a help; it was just making things more difficult.

I... I don't know what to do. I don't know anything. I just don't know. I feel like it's my fault.